


Great Bear

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-26
Updated: 2002-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-20 05:08:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11329215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Post-ep for Diagnosis Jimmy:  angst on the journey back to Washington





	Great Bear

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Great Bear

## Great Bear

#### by Alison

Date: Saturday, June 15, 2002 6:18 PM 

Great Bear by Alison  
Feedback: Yes please!  
Email:   
Web Page: http://www.squidge.org/~surrealarts/Annex.html Category: Slash, Langly/Byers   
Rating: NC/17  
Spoilers: minor for Maximum Byers and First Person Shooter Disclaimer: Not mine, etc  
Archive: Lone Slasher, Basement, WWOMB, Gossamer, Ephemeral; anywhere else, just ask 

Summary: Post-ep for Diagnosis Jimmy: angst on the journey back to Washington 

* * *

So we're on the road again, just John and me, going home. 

Our road trips don't come any longer than this one. Washington State to Washington DC, more than 2000 miles. At least we're heading south, just a bit, and it should be getting warmer soon. I wasn't warm the whole time we were in the North West. I couldn't even cuddle up to John most of the time, because we had Jimmy No-Brain with us. Four of us cosying up in the van all the way from DC to the North West, and sharing a motel room at night. Never again - and I'm gonna tell John so the first chance I get. 

I have a lot of things to tell him, the first chance I get. This is the first time we've been alone together for a long time, and so much has happened. It's given me a lot to think about. 

For one thing, I found out a lot more about my partner. Got an insight into what makes him the way he is. He told us things about himself, about his childhood, that he'd never told us before. I should have known that he had a personal reason for being so obsessed about this particular case. 

It was one of John's projects from the start. He dragged us out here on a case involving poaching protected animals -specifically, killing grizzly bears and selling their body parts to black market dealers to be used in Asian medicines. So here we were in Washington state, not far from the Canadian border, hiding out in the van, freezing our nuts off, monitoring this guy's every move till we had the evidence. 

I stuck it for as long as I could, but after a while I just had to ask him what the hell it was all about. I trust him, but he wasn't telling us WHY this was so important to him. It was then he told us what the bears meant to him, about Gentle Ben, how it was one of the few things from his childhood that made him feel safe and secure. That went straight to me. I had a secret childhood hero too, and I knew just how he felt. 

And then the only way we could get the evidence was to stake out the building where the deal was going down. So there we were, hiding in the back of the building, watching this Stukas, this poacher creep, meeting his contacts and Johnny decides he has to get closer. 

And that's when the bottom falls out of our plan, when Johnny got caught. There was Mel and me in back, and all we could do was watch as they dragged Johnny out in front and Stukas started questioning him. 

I was so scared, I couldn't move. All I could think of was "it's happening again". Just like Baltimore, just like Las Vegas. John was in trouble, big trouble and I couldn't do a thing to help. 

All I could do was watch him, standing there straight and tall, looking death in the face, and he's totally calm. He looks back at this guy who's got a knife at his throat, and I KNOW he's scared. But - and for me this is what real courage is about - he doesn't flinch, doesn't back down. He stands firm. And more than that - like in Baltimore - he goes on. He's thinking, challenging, talking his way out of it. If it was me, I'd be paralysed, my brain turns to mush. But not John. 

He awes me. He terrifies me. I couldn't do that. Anyone looking at the usual everyday quiet unassuming John would think, nah, he couldn't do that. But there's something in him that, when the chips are down, when his back is to the wall, he shows the pure steel that is in the core of him. 

But what did I do? Nothing. My lover was facing death and I was so shit scared I couldn't move, couldn't think. I was paralysed with fear for him and for me too. I should have been moving, running to help him, doing something to rescue him. And if it wasn't for Yves calling in the Mounties, God knows what would have happened. They would have killed John in front of me while I looked on not lifting a finger, then they would have come looking for us. 

When we walked out of the building afterwards, I was so sick with relief I couldn't look him in the eye. I could tell he was looking at me, he wanted me to say _something_ , do something even though we couldn't hug or touch or anything with so many people around. But even then I let him down. He had just got out of nearly being killed and I couldn't even comfort him then. 

So when it was all over, when we'd given our statements to the RCMP and got the hell out of there, it was too late to do anything till the morning, so we went back to the motel room to catch a couple hours sleep. Usually, when we've been through an experience like this, it always ends the same way. We fall into bed, usually even too tired to fuck, and sleep in each other's arms. Then we wake up and fuck each other till we're exhausted, and sleep again. 

But this time . . we were all pretty quiet on the way back to the motel. Mel was tired and concentrating on the road, Johnny was quiet like he always gets after he's pulled something like this. It's like he has a reaction afterwards, he goes real quiet, withdraws into himself and doesn't speak to anyone. He was turned away from me, staring out of the window into the dark. 

I wantd him to look at me, and then in another way I was scared of what I would see. How could he feel anything but contempt for me after I'd let him down like that? He would be wondering what he ever saw in me. He needed me, and I let him down. 

When we got back to the motel, he was out of the van almost before the wheels had stopped rolling, and headed off towards our room in front of me. When I got into the room he was in the bathroom and it was then the penny dropped. I could hear him retching violently into the toilet. I'd forgotten, he's had this reaction before, a physical reaction to the stress and fear. I heard the toilet flush and then there was silence. I knocked on the door "Are you okay" and got a muttered "yes thanks" in return, but he didn't come out. 

I pushed open the door and he was sitting on the toilet, leaning forward with his head in his hands. Oops. Yeah, his stomach was letting go in all directions. "Sorry" and I backed out. 

Ten minutes later he comes out of the bathroom, looking as white as a sheet. He walked straight over to the bed and flopped down, face down and fully clothed on top of the blankets. I sat down on the bed beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Can I get you anything?" 

His voice was muffled in the pillow. "No, thanks." 

I rubbed his shoulder gently. "Give you a back rub?" 

"No thanks." 

So I stayed sitting there, just gently rubbing his shoulder and upper arm. He was so tense, I could feel the muscles in his shoulder hard as iron. He was cold, too. I rummaged in the closet and found a spare blanket, and laid it over him. He turned his head. "Thanks". 

I turned out the light and got in beside him, waiting. This has happened before, but usually after a while he'll relax and talk. I hoped he'd feel like making love, that'll always relax him. But not this time. He stayed turned away from me, silent. 

I shifted closer and slid my arm over his chest, nuzzling against his neck. "John . . I can't sleep. I need you." 

He turned over and brushed his fingers over my cheek, smiling tiredly. 

"C'mon John, we've been cooped up together in the van for days, we need a workout." 

He gave in, grinning and shaking his head. "What WILL I do with you, Ringo Langly?" 

I lay back beside him. "Whatever you like. Be inventive." 

He rolled over on his stomach and looked at me intently. It made me shiver, it wasn't the way he usually looks at me when we're going to make love. He looked . . . harder. I felt a ripple of apprehension suddenly, it was like being in bed with a stranger. I suddenly remembered what he had said in the van about Stukas "someone should shoot and skin him!" I thought at the time that was so uncharacteristic of John. A completely different side to him . . . harder, with almost the potential for violence. I shivered with excitement. In this mood, he could do anything. And I wanted him even more; just as he was, sweaty and dirty and still in his filthy black sweater and jeans. 

Then he was on top of me, his mouth on mine, kissing me desperately. After a split second of surprise I gave in, realising it was exactly what I wanted anyway. I wanted him to do whatever he wanted, punish me if that was what he wanted, take me and dominate me and use me as I deserved to be used. 

"Need you now . ." and I could feel him hard against me. A wave of arousal rushed through me and I knew I needed him too, right away. I shuddered with the force of it. Inside me - I had to have him inside me right now. I pulled away from him and struggled out of my boxers, pushing them down my legs. He was doing the same with his own clothes. I spread my legs for him and he rolled on top of me again, grunting hard and panting in my ear. 

He pistoned his hips against mine, rubbing his cock against me with every stroke. I heard myself moaning loudly, pleading with him to get inside me now, now, quickly. He pushed my knees apart and knelt up, holding his swollen cock in one hand. I wriggled closer to him, spreading my thighs and heard him gasp painfully at the sight of me. Then his hand was on me, caressing my thighs briefly, his fingers were inside me and I gasped at the sensation as they went straight to my pleasure point, jabbing hard and sending shockwaves of pleasure through me. My whole body shook uncontrollably, but it wasn't enough. "Need you inside me, please John, now . . " 

He pushed my legs up roughly, need making him desperate. For a brief second I felt the pain as he pushed against my entrance and then he was inside. Hard and strong, filling me, pushing deeper inside me. I yelled hoarsely with mingled pain and pleasure but I didn't want him to stop. "More John, more, please . ." 

He paused, buried so hard and deep inside me it was almost unbearable. Then he started to move. Pumping, thrusting, giving me no time to breathe, hard, hard, on and on, driving himself inside me, driving me insane with the need for him to go on. I was screaming, begging him not to stop, to fuck me harder, harder. I could hear him grunting with every thrust, panting, gasping my name with the little breath he had to spare. Waves of unendurable pleasure were rushing through me, rippling out from where he was inside me, ripping through my whole body. On and on and I never wanted him to stop. 

But I could feel my orgasm gathering, ready to break over me like a tidal wave. Suspended on the brink, like a diver at the peak of his dive, then it broke over me, broke me in pieces as I felt he was splitting me in pieces with the force of his thrusts. 

I screamed once more, high and short, before I was drowning in it, washed away by the tide till I lay helpless, broken on the shore. I wasn't even aware of him coming, only felt him collapse on top of me as it overtook him. 

A long, long time later I came round to find he had pulled himself out and off of me. He lay beside me, one arm over my belly, unconscious. I placed my hand against his side and I could feel his heart beating rapidly against his ribcage. I moved as close as I could, wanting to feel his body against mine. 

After a while, when I was nearly asleep, I heard his breathing change. I sensed him move and turn and I knew he was looking at me. I started to tremble, hoping he would want to fuck me again. 

But he turned away. Pulled away from me, away from my body and my warmth. He shifted till he wasn't touching me at all. I whispered "John?" thinking maybe he thought I was asleep. 

It didn't sound like his voice, replying. Tired and remote and sad. "Go to sleep, Ringo. We got a long day tomorrow." 

* * *

The next morning when I woke up he was gone. His overnight bag was already packed and sitting on the floor by the door. I figured he must be talking to Mel or something, so I got dressed ASAP and went along to Mel's room. They were just coming out the door together. 

He looked tired, like he hadn't slept much after all. There were dark shadows under his eyes and his mouth was tight. But that wasn't what worried me. It was the way he looked at me - or rather, he *didn't* look at me. Wouldn't meet my eyes. Usually in the morning he'll smile, even give me a quick kiss and hug as long as no-one else is around. Not any more. Just a quick flicking glance at me, a brief nod and "hi" - like I was nobody special. Like he didn't want me around. All my guilt and shame from yesterday came flooding back. He'd remembered what I did, how I let him down. 

Mel noticed it too, looked from one to the other of us, but obviously told himself it was none of his business. He usually does that, unless we're out right fighting. He looked back at John again, frowning slightly, and started to tell me what they'd decided. Mel was going to stay on till Jimmy got out of the hospital, just a few more days, then they would fly back to DC together. We figured it would be easier on Jimmy that way, his insurance would pay for the flight, he deserved it. He needed someone with him and it was obvious that should be Mel. Mel doesn't handle these long days on the road any more, either. 

But it meant that John and me drew the short straw for the road trip. I couldn't believe my luck. A few days alone together without distractions or spectators - we hadn't had that for years, not in all the time we'd been together. Only it wasn't turning out like I expected. No way. 

* * *

The whole of that first day, he hardly spoke to me at all. 

We were driving east, through Washington State, higher and higher into the mountains. I like the mountains, love the space. Kinda unexpected for a computer geek who spends all his life in a basement, but I do. So it would have been perfect, if John had been speaking to me. 

He just sat all morning in the van next to me, staring out the window. I kept trying to get him talking, babbling about anything and everything that came into my head. I know I talk too much at the best of times, the mental state I was in I was ten times worse. I just needed to fill the silence, to hear the sound of my own voice to stop me thinking. 

But it was like I was more aware of him than ever before. I was conscious of him sitting next to me in the van, every breath he took, every small movement he made, every small sound he made. I could swear I could feel the warmth of his body even though we were a foot apart. I couldn't stop thinking about how he had made love to me the night before, how he'd taken control and dominated me in a way he'd never done before. I kept on sneaking little sideways glances at him, hoping he would turn his head and look at me and in a way praying that he wouldn't because I knew I would blush like a school kid with a crush. I was like almost shy with him. 

About mid morning we stopped for coffee, at a small town high in the mountains that was little more than a scatter of hotels catering for skiers, and a few small souvenir shops. We found a coffee shop with a terrace looking out over the valley, and sat looking out at the view. I was really nervous by now. But I knew I had to take a chance. 

"John, what's wrong?" 

He looked sideways at me, frowning. "What?" 

I couldn't look at him. I stared in front of me, out of the window. In front of us were the mountains, beautiful, remote, cold. I shivered. "I know you're mad at me because of yesterday. I wanted to say . . I'm sorry. I let you down and I know that's why you can't even look at me. I . . . I . . 

"What?" 

He grabbed my shoulder and turned me, it, forcing me to look at him. 

"Ringo, what in hell are you talking about? What about yesterday?" 

"In the warehouse, when Stukas had you ... I should have done something but I didn't. I screwed up, John, I should've helped you but I froze. I ... god, you must hate me-" 

"Hate you-?" 

His hand dropped off my arm and he turned away. I couldn't look at him either, and stared out of the window again. The mountains were suddenly blurred and I blinked the tears away. 

"Ringo, I'm not blaming you. Is that what this is all about? You think you did something wrong?" 

I just stood there, knowing that if I tried to speak I wouldn't be able to control my voice. 

He got up and started pacing, the way he does when he's really, really worried. "It's just - " he came and stood in front of me, looking deep into my eyes. "I can't explain here. We'll talk about it later." 

"But-" 

He shook his head, sighing impatiently. "Ringo, this is nothing to do with you. I'm not mad at you, okay? I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at _me_ ". 

"But -" 

He cut me off. "I don't want to talk about it here. C'mon, let's get back to the van." 

He walked out of the coffee shop, leaving me standing staring after him. 

* * *

It was as I walked back to the van that I saw it, in the window of a little souvenir shop next to the parking lot. The minute I saw it I knew I had to buy it for John. 

The sales assistant explained all about it. "Beautiful, isn't it? They're made by a local Native American, an old guy lives in a cabin halfway up a mountain outside of town. They say he prays every time he picks up his tools to work." 

The assistant wrapped it carefully for me and I slipped it into my backpack where John wouldn't find it. But I didn't know when I was going to get the opportunity to give it to him. As a peace offering? A love gift? A "please forgive me" bribe? 

* * *

It was getting dark by the time we found a motel for the night and checked in. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask if he wanted separate rooms, but I stopped myself in time. As we got our bags from the van and locked it for the night, I saw him pause and look up at the stars, like he was looking for something. 

I still felt uneasy with him. "What ya looking for?" 

"Which way is North . . . ah, yes, there. Look, Ree. The Great Bear." 

Being born on a farm, I knew the stars pretty well once. Yeah, there was the Big Dipper standing on its end, and the rest of the Great Bear climbing up into the sky. Living in DC, you forget to look up at the stars. But out here, you can look up and wonder. What is out there, who is out there? I looked at him standing beside me, his face turned up to the stars, and all the hope and wonder was back in his face. He caught me looking at him, and his face shut down again. 

"I'm tired, how about you?" 

I followed him into our room. 

* * *

We'd grabbed a pizza earlier, at another small town we passed through, so all I wanted to do now was just get under a hot shower and then into bed. I'd been thinking all afternoon about what John had said. "We'll talk later." The more I thought about that the more scared I got. He'd good as admitted something was wrong and we needed to talk. But now we had the time, I was scared to death about what he might say. So I headed into the shower first chance I got, wondering if he would come in after me and we'd end up showering together - that usually ends pretty good, if you know what I mean. 

No such luck, and when I came out he was sprawled on the bed watching the TV. He hardly looked at me, just switched off with the remote and hauled himself off the bed, and walked straight past me into the bathroom. 

I crawled into bed and switched the TV back on again, it was The Weakest Link with that English bitch whose voice always reminds me of Yves. I started to think about Yves again and how she'd managed to save our butts. If she hadn't called in the RCMP . . . John with the knife at his throat . . . I started to go over it again in my mind, the scenes flashing through my head, seeing him again facing down Stukas. I shivered, partly with remembered fear and partly . . I suddenly realised WHY I kept coming back to that scene. It turned me on. 

It turned me on, to realise that THIS man, this ordinary unassuming guy who nobody usually looks at twice, who everyone underestimates, has the courage and resoucefulness of any ten other guys. And . . he's mine. My lover. 

I wanted him so much. 

But he didn't seem to want me any more. 

* * *

I decided to have one more try to get him to talk. I waited till he came back into the bedroom, turned out all the lights except the small one over the bed and got in beside me. 

"So, are we gonna talk or what?" 

He didn't answer. 

"John, you said today we'd talk later about what was bugging you. So talk. You said you thought it was your fault?" 

I thought for a while he wasn't going to answer. Then he started to talk, in a soft voice only just above a whisper. 

"I nearly got us all killed, okay? First of all by dragging us all out here anyway on this selfish self-appointed _mission_ , thinking I could actually DO something to make a difference, I think I can go charging in like some kind of white knight and put everything right, and all that happens is that Jimmy ends up in the hospital and WE all get caught, thanks to me again, and we would all have been killed if it hadn't been for Yves saving our butts again. So yes, Ringo, I am mad at me and you should be too." 

"Hey, hold on a minute. That DIDN'T happen, did it? We're all okay, and we WON. We won double. We put Stukas out of business and we put Bellucci behind bars. And okay, Jimmy's in the hospital but he's gonna be fine, and if he wasn't there we'd never have caught Bellucci. So we did good, John. I don't understand why you're beating yourself up." 

He rolled over on his side to look at me better. 

"I was scared, Ree. I was so scared, I knew that Stukas would work it out that I couldn't be there alone, he'd get the other guys to search the building and they'd find you and Mel, and we'd all get our throats cut and it would be my fault for dragging us into this . . . I nearly got you killed, Ree, that's what I keep thinking. I keep seeing Stukas putting that knife into your throat, and the blood . ." 

He sat up, putting his folded arms on his knees and his head down on them. "I've been thinking about it all the time, I could have got us all killed, and I'm so angry with myself, it makes me sick just to think about it." 

I pulled at him until he lay down again beside me. Close to him now, I suddenly realised he was shaking. Oh God . . 

I curled myself closer to him. "Let me help." 

He turned over, facing me. "Sorry." 

"S'okay." 

I slid an arm over his torso, feeling the deep trembling in his body. "I want to help. Don't shut me out." 

He put a hand out tentatively, stroking my arm. I pulled him closer and he came gratefully, for comfort, for warmth. He clung to me, holding tight, shaking. 

I held him while he wept, trying to give him the reassurance he needed. I stroked his hair, whispering to him. "It's all right, it's over" till he slept. I went on holding him for a long time, still talking softly to him, telling him the things I never dared to when he was awake. 

"I'm so proud of you . . . do you know how much I love you?" 

* * *

But the next morning was the same as the one before. He hardly spoke except to say that he'd drive. Another long day in the van and we hardly spoke. The day was like a carbon copy of the one before. We were driving through some of the most beautiful country in the world and I didn't notice any of it. 

Oh, he made it clear he wasn't mad at me or anything. But it was like driving with a stranger. He was POLITE to me, like we'd only just met. 

Towards evening we stopped at a picnic area in the mountains. Just a clearing in the woods, a river valley with a stream running through, an open space with a few wooden picnic tables and chairs under the trees. The sun was shining through the trees, shining on the water. A beautiful place. 

We sat and ate the sandwiches we'd bought back down the road, sitting one each side of the table like strangers. I looked across at him, dressed like I love to see him in jeans and a sweater, the sun dappling through the leaves on to his face and his hair. He looked beautiful, except for the closed off remote look in his eyes. I knew I had to try one last time. 

"John, please, talk to me." 

He looked at me, warily, like he was afraid of what I was going to say. Then he nodded. 

"Yeah . . . we should talk." 

"John, are you gonna hear my side of all this? I've heard all about what YOU feel about it. Don't you want to know what I think?" 

"Go on." 

"Why do you always think it's all YOUR responsibility? Mel and me and you, we've always acted as equals, haven't we? We're a team, you've always said so. So why are you taking it all on yourself?" 

He leaned across the table towards me, putting his hand on my forearm. Time was he'd have taken my hand. 

"It's because I love you, Ree, don't you see that? I can't go on like this, putting you in danger all the time. I'd never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you. I'd rather . ." His voice trailed off as he choked up. 

"What? You'd rather do what?" 

He pulled his hand away and turned sideways, staring away from me across the valley. 

"I've been thinking about it today, Ree. I can either be your lover or your co-worker, but if we're going on doing this kind of stuff I can't . ." His voice shook. 

I suddenly realised what he meant. My stomach turned over and I felt nauseous. No, he couldn't mean that, he couldn't . . 

"I can't be in a relationship with you. It's too dangerous. If anything happened to you . ." 

I was so shocked I couldn't speak for a moment. It was like he'd punched me in the face. I felt dizzy and sick. 

"You want to break up with me? Because of this? Because something just MIGHT happen to one of us, sometime?" I was shouting now. Yeah, I was angry. How could he insult me like this, treat me like a kid, like I couldn't make up my own mind? 

He didn't say anything. 

"You're acting like I didn't have any choice in the matter, like you're completely responsible for me and I can't decide for myself, like I was a child or something..." 

I had to stop there because I was so choked up I couldn't go on. He had been gaping at me like a goldfish, but when I paused he stepped forward and took me by the shoulders. 

"Don't you understand Ree, it's because I love you so much, I can't risk anything happening to you -" 

"No, you listen to me. I chose to be here, John, because I love you and I want to be with you. I want to be with you whatever you do, share the danger. We're partners, I thought that was what it was all about. So DON'T insult me by trying to take the responsibility away from me, because you can't. What you're saying is bullshit, and I'm not gonna take it." 

"But -" 

"And what about MY feelings? You talk about how you'd feel if anything happened to me, but did you think about how I feel? How I felt the other day when Stukas had you? What about when you went into the prison with Jimmy and got yourself beat up? Or last year in LA when we got stuck in that fuckin stupid VR game and you got hit? You could have been killed then. How do you think I feel when that happens?" 

I realised I was screaming at him and crying all at the same time. We stared at each other almost in panic. How could we love each other and hurt each other so much at the same time? 

Then he was there beside me and his arms were round me. "Ree, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." 

I grabbed hold of him and clutched him tight. "God, please John, don't do this to me." 

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry . ." 

We found ourselves sitting side by side on the bench, arms round each other, holding tight, just holding each other. He felt so good to hold. 

Eventually we sat up, kind of self-conscious and a bit embarrassed. He kissed me, almost shyly. 

"I've been an idiot, haven't I?" 

"Yep." 

He looked up at me, grinning. "Guess I'm stuck with you, aren't I." 

"Yep again." 

"Um . . what do you say, Ree, we find a motel or something and .." 

"Well there's always the van . ." 

He looked at me intently. "No . . . you know how I feel about the van. And . . . I want to make love to you properly." 

When he spoke those words it was like he lit a little fire deep down inside me. Oh yes, I could wait for that. 

* * *

It took us a while to find a motel, but eventually we found a nice little place, a complex of separate cabins scattered through the woods on the edge of a small town. By the time we'd checked in and found our cabin, I was almost shaking with impatience and emotion and need for him. 

We let ourselves in and grinned at each other to see the massive double bed. Couldn't be better! John dumped his overnight bag on the floor and I checked my backpack, wondering if I had any condoms left. At the bottom of the bag I found the gift-wrapped parcel I'd completely forgotten. 

"Hey, John!" 

He poked his head out of the bathroom, where he'd gone to check it out. He always does that, first thing. Just one of the weird things about him I love. 

"I've got a present for you." 

He came over and took it curiously, turning the oddly shaped package over in his hands. "What is it?" 

"Open it and see." 

He smiled up at me, such love an affection in his eyes that my heart turned over. He ripped the paper off, growing more puzzled as he found the layers of bubble wrap underneath. "What IS it?" 

"Open it, doofus!" 

He began to laugh as he wrestled with the wrapping. "Oh, Ree, Ree. . " and broke off with a little sharp intake of breath as the wrapping fell away and my gift to him was exposed. 

A wooden carving, all of six inches high, made of some kind of dark hard wood. A carving of a bear. A grizzly bear, proud and noble, his head raised and cocked slightly to one side as if sniffing the air, on all fours but with something in his stance that suggested he was about to rise to his full height. The Native American carver had caught the true spirit of the bear in his strength and beauty and untamed splendour. 

John held it in his cupped hands, staring at it for a long moment. "Ree, it's beautiful. Where did you find it?" 

"That little place in the mountains where we stopped for coffee yesterday." 

He looked up at me, smiling in pure delight. "It's beautiful" he repeated. 

I always get embarrassed when people thank me. But I needed to try and explain to him. "I wanted to give you a souvenir of this trip. I thought .. you told us how you felt about the bears, because of Gentle Ben and all. I .. I know how you feel. It meant a lot to you, he was someone you loved. I want you to know that you'll never be without someone to love, you'll always have me, as long as you want me. I love you, John." 

He turned and put the carving carefully on the bedside table, then stood up and held out his arms. "Come here." 

And he took my hand and pulled me over to the bed. 

We stood there, facing each other, kissing gently at first but in growing passion. Our hands were soon everywhere, burrowing under clothes, my hands sliding up his back and pulling his sweater off over his head. My hands caressing his shoulders, his chest - I love his chest! - while he undid the zipper of my jeans and slid his hand down my stomach, flat against my belly, rasping through the hair on my stomach. This time it was so different from the last time, we were so gentle with each other, his little kisses all over my face, down my neck, while I ran my hands over the curve of his ass and pulled his hips to mine. 

After a while we were on the bed, still stripping each other's clothes off, but so slowly, we couldn't stop just kissing and caressing each other. So gentle, so intense. 

Then we were totally naked together, our body heat so intoxicating, I felt I could come right there and then just from the feel of him. I was half on top of him, one thigh across him pinning him down. Still kissing him, I wanted to go on kissing his mouth, watching his face, for ever. His eyes were shut, his mouth open as it always is when intense emotion overpowers him. 

I stroked his face, whispering to him. "John, I want you so much, love you so much-" 

His eyes fluttered open. "Oh god, Ree, whatever you want. Do whatever you want, I'm yours, I love you, forever, oh Ree . ." 

His face was so beautiful. His eyes, so wide and dark with emotion. I kissed him again. "Want you in me." I could feel he was so hard already and I wanted to feel him in me again. 

His hands gripped my shoulders, he barely breathed his answer "Yes." He started to move but I pushed him back. "Let me." 

Before he could disagree I rolled on top of him completely, pinning him down. I was going to be in control this time. I wanted to make it so good for him. I rocked on top of him, taking my time, setting the pace. He groaned and his hips jerked. 

I went on rocking, rocking, the heat from our hard cocks growing and spreading out till it felt my whole body was on fire. Then I pulled myself up, away from him and looked down on him for a second. He was amazing, so ready, so vulnerable. 

I straddled him, fingering my own entrance for a second but it didn't take long. I took his cock in one hand, squeezing it briefly to make him moan, then moved forward a little and lowered myself. God, it felt wonderful! No, it felt fuckin fantastic! I impaled myself quickly, wanting to feel the pleasure and pain as he filled me. 

The pressure was wonderful, delicious sensation, his heat throbbing through me. I pushed my hips down to get as much as I could of him. He cried out softly. 

I started to pump, raising myself and letting myself drop down at the end of each stroke. Each time he filled me, his cock inside me jabbed at my pleasure centre, the sensation growing and mounting with each thrust. I looked down at him, his flushed face, his head thrashing from side to side on the pillow. He was long beyond the point of coherent speech. Panting and moaning, totally helpless, his body was in control. I picked up the tempo, feeling the orgasm mounting in me. I leant forward so my own cock was trapped and squeezed between our bellies and closer to his face now, I could see the sweat trickling down his face, see his eyelids fluttering, his lips moving in incoherent mumbles. So close . . 

His eyes opened and he looked me in the face, his pupils widely dilated with arousal. "God, Ree, love you" he managed to choke out. 

I pressed closer to his face, took his mouth again in a long deep kiss. One final push back against him, one more uncontrollable buck of his hips and one final thrust of his cock deep inside me, and I came with incredible force. Him inside me, my tongue in his mouth, our bodies as close as it was possible to be, I felt myself melt into him and him into me. Closer than we had ever been, bodies and souls joined as we had never been before. Totally one, one being, one love. 

When it was all over I separated myself from him and lay down beside him as close as I could get. I pulled the blanket over us both and cuddled up closer. Together again at last. Nothing, no-one will ever keep us apart. I belong to him. I know now I will belong to him for ever. 

I looked across him towards the window. I could see faint stars shining in the sky. The stars of the Great Bear, shining in the north. 

And on the nightstand, between us and the window, I could see the little figure of the bear. Head raised, watchful, guarding. 

Guard us, little bear. Watch over us through the night. Watch over me and my love, tonight and always. 

**END**

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